Year End – Almost

So, here we are. The end of 2015.

A lot has happened in the last 6 months, most of it since June. There was the seizure(s) and the emotional hell I have been through since then that came to a head on Christmas Eve. When I decided to kill myself by jumping off Beachy Head the next morning.

I’m still here because I decided to post a goodbye to the friends that I’m only in contact with through Facebook. I figured no one would be checking their feed on Christmas Day until later so no one would see it till after the deed was done. That turned out to be completely wrong; a whole load of people saw it and called the Police, who pretty much tracked me all the way down and quite literally pulled in behind me as I turned off the car at the layby that sits about a 100 yards from the edge of the cliff.

I wasn’t very happy with that, and it took the drive to the nearest care crisis unit in Brighton, and the couple of hours it took to assemble the crisis team to come talk to me, to realise that I should be happy that I was still alive.  And I was.

And I certainly am happy about that. Turns out that the medication that I’ve been taking to prevent seizures does cause depression and anxiety, both of which I had been suffering from. I always get very down and sad around Christmas anyway – and have done ever since my parents were killed back in the 80’s. But this time was exponentially worse. I was randomly crying, feeling so completely lost and alone and sad that I could barely breathe, had two job interviews that didn’t result in my getting either of them, and then my boiler died, the evening before Christmas Eve. The engineer came round, fixed one problem and found a host of others, which would have to wait till the tuesday to fix.

I got through the day, did the final christmas shopping, wrapped everything, feeling increasingly awful all the time. Finished it, had big crying session and went for a walk to clear my head and pick up something to eat from the local fish and chip shop. I’m walking along, trying to find a way out from under this horrible sadness and panic about everything. And then this single thought came to me, that felt so sudden and profound that I stopped walking for a moment just staring at nothing.

That thought was: you can kill yourself.

It’s hard to describe things after that. Everything was calm. No more sadness, no more panic, just a calm, collected state of mind. I continued on to the chippy, picked up something to eat, walked back and ate it. Then I typed up and printed out a suicide note to leave on my front door, wrote a second smaller note to post on my Facebook page the next morning and went to bed.

Woke up the next morning, still calm and collected. Showered and dressed, ate breakfast, and watched TV till it got light around 8. Changed my phone and mobile messages to say don’t leave a message as I’d gone to kill myself. Posted the FB message, got in the car and drove down.

I have been asked whether I would have actually gone through with it, if the Police hadn’t stopped me. I would have to say yes. The person who I was at that moment was on automatic pilot; it was just another step to take on the path I was committed to. If anyone had spoken to me, or asked me what I was doing there (there is a volunteer team who patrols the area looking for people there to kill themselves) it would probably have snapped me out of it just as effectively.

The person I am now, the proper me, currently doesn’t want to kill myself. I hope I don’t get in that state again, and I’m getting help to make sure I don’t. I am a private person. A loner and an introvert who hates talking about himself. This entry has taken me ages for example. I know that I’m going to have to talk to many people about my problems and it will be taking me way out of my comfort zone.

But I’m going to do it. I know I’m going to hate it sometimes but I’m going to persevere. 2016 is not going to be easy but I’m going to face it. I’ve realised I don’t have to be alone, that there are people – family, friends and support staff – who I can talk to, who will help me.

So. 2016. Here I come. Wish me luck.

And now for something completely different.

The original purpose of this blog was going to be a meandering commentary on my recovery from the event that happened a few weeks ago. But after a second mini event that screwed up my eyesight badly – and continues to do so to a lesser extent – I decided it would be in danger of a continuous, self-pitying whine.

So I’m going to do something different. Many years ago, I wrote a lot, most of it was terrible, some of it was good. I wrote through good times, I wrote through bad times. I told myself stories in my head all the damn time and some of them ended up on paper, or on-line. One such creation ended up as part of a couple of Star Trek email sims and there I met Derrick Ferguson, well before he created Dillon and got himself published.

And so was born the legendary partnership of Eve Mallory and Denys Fotheran. Amazingly, the website is still up and accessible. But somewhere along the line, it fell by the wayside. Derrick wanted to concentrate on writing things that would earn him money – and who could blame him?

Me? I don’t know what happened I lost all confidence in my writing, to the point where writing anything just filled me with utter disgust that I should even produce such crap – and that’s being polite.

But now, I find I have time on my hands, while I recover. So I am going to attempt to write one of the stories on the list  ‘None So Blind’. I still have an idea of what I wanted to happen and I know I have an opening scene written down somewhere. I shall track it down and put it up. I will try and write something every day, I’m doing this publicly because.. well I don’t know why.

Watch this space. ‘None so Blind’s is coming.

Second Up

New Day.

There is still a general lack of impetus and energy and if I don’t do anything for a while, it takes time to get spun up. There is also still a difference in strengths between my left and right sides. Dexterity mostly, again really only noticeable if I’ve not done anything in a while. I’m also right handed, which is probably why I’m noticing.

Everyone has been really supportive and helpful. I’ve somehow developed a support network. I will be the first to admit that I can be pretty unsociable, even when I’m being sociable. I can think of many events where I’ve been off by myself wondering how long I can avoid talking to anyone and when I can conceivably get out and go home. I may even have been rude to people if they tried talking to me, in fact I’m pretty sure I have been. I found that if you join a conversation in progress and look like you’re part of it – without actually being part of it – no one will bother you much. I may look like I’m part of what’s going on but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

However, I don’t like to be home all the time. It’s one reason I like having a job; it gets you out of the house and around other people in a controlled setting. And of course you earn money doing it.

First out of the Gate

So here we are.

It occurs that the title is probably a misnomer as I might not post every day. But it’s better than my other idea, ‘road to recovery’, which sounds.. urgh.

Anyhoo. This thing is being started because of the massive change in my life. This is what happened.

Sunday, I woke up, couldn’t see properly, my right side was weak and unresponsive. I managed – just about – to get to the toilet and wee and then went back to bed to sleep. Woke up again, things were still the same but worse. Managed to get out of bed by falling out of it (picking up some nasty bruises and scrapes doing so) and dragged myself downstairs, found my mobile, couldn’t get my unlock code in properly but emergency numbers were available so I called 999 and asked for ambulance – just about cos my speech was garbled and my tounge was swollen and useless. They came, I dragged myself to the door and managed to get my keys through the letter box to let them in. Got taken to A&E and later to a ward. Slept most of Sunday and Monday found me with some use back in my right side and I could speak better.

I got let out yesterday afternoon (wednesday) after a few days of tests. Everything is better, but I still lack energy. The diagnosis is probable Epileptic seizure but they want to do more tests to be sure. Meantime, I can’t drive for a year, and I guess now I’m going to be a little reliant on other people until I come back all the way.

This blog is going to be a daily – or whatever – setting out of my thoughts and feelings. Before this happened, I would never in a million years be doing such a thing. But there’s a new reality I’m going to have to get used to, whatever that turns out to be.

I saw a thingie on on Facebook today that just about sums up my life at the moment.

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